Never Have I Ever
by Not-Willing-to-Admit
Summary: This is for the Albus Dumbledore's Coming Out Crack Fic Party community on LiveJournal.Prompts: Severus Snape, Portrait!sex, I added a few other prompts  toe sucking, finger sucking, plum suit, Drunk over a bottle of firewhisky...


Disclaimer: Not Mine!

Disclaimer: This is for the "Albus Dumbledore's Coming Out Crack Fic Party" community on LiveJournal.

Prompts: Severus Snape, Portrait!Sex, I added a few other prompts - toe sucking, finger sucking, plum suit, Drunk over a bottle of firewhisky, game of "I Never" which I turned into "Never Have I Ever".

ETA - the boys get quite drunk early on, the "Never Have I Ever" game gets a might confusing as their fingers go up and down at the wrong time.

* * *

The newest addition to the legendary collection of portraits of deceased Head Masters and Head Mistresses of Hogwarts was not happy. 

Minerva did feel sorry for him at first, as being manhandled by three large, burly Guard Trolls and being thrown headfirst into a portrait was probably a tad bit disorientating. But his constant cursing, screaming, and truth be told… bitching… was giving her a large headache. You know, she had her own problems with which to deal, rebuilding a school that had been decimated took up a great deal of her time, and she had no desire to deal with a grown man acting like a toddler denied a sugary treat.

So she regally ignored Severus Snape, knowing that in time, he'd accept the honor… not with any sense of grace or dignity, but because there was nothing else he could do. Her Slytherin was at heart, a rather pragmatic soul, but Minerva truly wished he'd just shut up and deal.

And then she couldn't truly be angry when he dealt with his anger over this ultimate betrayal in typical Snape fashion. He began producing potions in his paint by numbers Potion lab. Not just any potions, but exotic potions that smelled vile and filled her office, her beloved office, with nasty smells.

Minerva had taken to having her meetings in the Staff Room.

She was Head Mistress of Hogwarts! She would not be forced from her office by a watercolor!

Today was the final straw when dear, sweet Flitwick had, in a voice of deep concern, pointedly asked her if it was true that she did not have an office of her own. She had grabbed all of her belongings and had left the Staff Room in a huff. She returned to the Head Mistress office and decided it was time to marshal her troops – or in this case, troop.

Albus was pretending to be sleeping, complete with a slight snore and a bit of a drool at the corner of his mouth.

"Albus," she loudly demanded. "Stop pretending you're sleeping, you big fat faker. I wish you'd stop drooling, as it looks like you've had a stroke."

That pithy comment caused Albus to jump out of the chair and give her a mighty glare. She might have been intimidated, if it wasn't for the fact that Albus was a _**portrait**_ and that he had wiped his mouth with his left hand during mid-jump.

"The boy is being impossible. He's not adjusting well. You need to handle it, Albus. I need the use of my office, Albus."

Albus shook his head, and tried to wheedle out of it.

"He's not happy, Minerva."

"You _**think**_?" She retorted.

"I'm the reason, after all. He went through hell because of me," Albus reminded her.

"You're right. It is completely your fault," Minerva snapped, as she knew how to manipulate Albus Dumbledore. "Therefore I will ask Phineas to talk to him. Phineas!"

Albus looked startled and shook his head.

"I'll handle it! The boy needs to be handled gently. Give me a minute to change!"

* * *

Albus put on his plum suit. He rather liked it, as it was a color that only the bravest and most self-assured of wizards would dare wear, plus Gellert had assured him that it had made his blue eyes 'pop'. He fixed his hair, made sure that he could run his hair through it, and then he neatly trimmed his beard. It was looking a tad shaggy, and he needed to look his best. 

Then taking a bottle of firewhisky that he had won from Phineas Black in the weekly Hogwarts Head Portrait Poker game, he jumped into Severus' portrait.

Naturally, he didn't warn the boy that he was planning on visiting, as Severus was irked enough to hex him. Best not give him advance notice.

"_**YOU!"**_ Severus screamed. His voice was full of torment and self-loathing. "You daft BUGGER! What am I doing here?! This is no doubt your idea of …. _**ETERNAL RETRIBUTION**_!"

"Severus, you were Head Master. All Head Masters' portraits appear in the Head Master's office."

There was a clearing of a woman's throat, and Albus flashed Minerva winning smile. "Just a figure of speech, my dear Head Mistress. But can you give me and Severus a few minutes of much needed privacy. Also, ask the others to go visiting other floors?"

"Very well," Minerva admitted. She placed her hand on the portrait, brushed Severus' hair with the tips of her fingers, and the Potion Masters aka the Most Feared HeadMaster Hogwarts had Ever Known jumped away.

"Stop stroking me, I'm not your kitty, Tabby!" Snape roared.

Albus carefully placed the bottle of firewhisky on the lab table, and he deliberately embraced Severus. Naturally, the boy fought, cursed, kicked, hexed, and when that failed, he even hit him with a boiling potion …but still Albus held him. At last, the boy broke down in tears, and Albus continued to hold him even as Severus' storm of weeping soaked Albus' fashionable plum suit.

"Come on lad, you need a drink," Albus softly suggested.

He poured Severus' several fingers worth of whisky and the boy gulped it down quickly. So, being considerate, Albus refilled the boy's glass. Since they were light weight portraits drinking portrait whisky that had matured in its cask for one hundred and seventy odd years, it didn't take long for Severus to become ever so slightly sloshed.

"I never wanted to be Head Master," Severus insisted.

Albus had his arm wrapped around Severus, and the boy sniffled a few tears on his shoulder.

"Never have I ever wanted to be Head Master," Albus repeated. He took a long swallow and then smiled at Severus. "Shall we play that game?"

"I'm not familiar with that game," Severus admitted. "I never had a chance to play games… no one ever wanted to play with me…. except for Lily…"

That admission earned more tears from the Much Feared Potions Master, who sadly, appeared to be quite weepy and extremely maudlin when he was plastered.

"There, there," Albus whispered. "It'll be alright. I know you're angry with me… but… really… Severus… there's no need to take it out on Minerva."

Severus Snape nodded his head, and wiped his tearing eyes on one black sleeve.

"She was always nice to me," Severus admitted. "I shouldn't take it out on her that you're the nasty git that has decided to make me relive my crimes until someone destroys my portrait."

"Severus," Albus wheedled. Severus never really could stay mad at Albus, especially when Albus turned on the charm.

"Let's play this stupid game and get it finished. That way you go back to your portrait," Severus announced. "And don't you turn that Dumbledore charm on me… you nasty goat. I'm right pissed at you."

"Well, it's called, '_**Never Have I Ever'**_. First thing that we do is…we put all ten fingers up."

Albus and Severus did so, after both had an internal discussion on how many fingers they were holding. They were really quite drunk, after all, and higher math is the first function to go to hell when one is as thoroughly pissed as the boys were.

"We take a drink!" Albus cheerily explained. He took a long sip of the firewhisky and swallowed, sighing his appreciation at the very mature whisky. "I must remember to thank Phineas for losing so badly, Severus."

"Probably didn't have any friends with which to play this stupid game," darkly remarked Severus.

There was a snort of laughter from Minerva, who was truly attempting to ignore the boys, but still her Super Teacher Hearing was picking up the best parts of the conversation.

"Then we say something. Never Have I Ever. If it's true, we put one finger down, take a drink and then the next person says something," Albus explained. "Then when all of one of the players fingers are down, they lose."

Severus nodded his head, as he thought he understood the rules.

"Begin," he brusquely ordered Albus. "Let us get this farce over with."

"Never Have I Ever…" Albus paused, smile deviously and then continued. "Made Love."

Both men stared at each other; Albus deliberately put one pinky down and passed the bottle to Severus. All his fingers were still up.

"Severus… "Albus protested. "You can't be telling me that you've never had sex."

"Sex, bullocks yes!" Severus insisted. "Made love… never… there's a_**difference**_."

Albus, being a closet romantic, besides being out of his closet full of fashionable robes for most of his long years, found himself… saddened… and truly distressed by this revelation.

"Oh, Severus… my dear sweet Severus," Albus whispered. "To think you've never experienced the sweetest experience!"

* * *

Minerva McGonagall was busy plowing through all her owl mail, separating what was important from what wasn't; the professional mail from personal, her highly anticipated issue of this month Playwitch from the assorted rather icky marriage proposals from Azakaban prisoners and requests from autograph seekers when she realized that the boys were being awfully quiet. 

Carefully, she positioned a small mirror so she could see Severus' portrait.

Merlin's bloody beard! Albus and Severus were kissing!

The two men broke apart, and Severus grabbed the bottle from Albus. He took a mighty swallow and then blurted out, "Never I Have Ever Felt anything like that!"

A drunken Severus put one pinky down, and Albus didn't. The boy looked at Albus, and seemed utterly humiliated that what was so special to Severus was rather commonplace and ordinary to the far more worldly Dumbledore. He hid his face with his long hair, and scooted away from Albus.

Albus took a long swallow and then grabbed Severus' hand.

"Never Have I Ever wanted to do this to you," Albus whispered seductively. Then deliberately, he put another of his fingers down, and then Albus licked, sucked and nibbled at Severus' nine upright fingers.

Minerva found her breath quickening, as truly, she was getting off watching Albus and Severus. For Shame! For Shame! She should locate Filius and hop a ride on his Nimbus 2003, not watch as Severus' eyes rolled back in his head.

Nipping, licking, teasing each one of Severus' fingers didn't seem to satisfy the insatiable Albus, as he went back for seconds…thirds… fourths. Then Albus deliberately took Severus' left middle finger and began sucking it, while he forced Severus' long, slender digit in and out of his mouth, slowly, then faster and harder, before he insisted on slow, long strokes. Severus stared transfixed at Albus' expressive face, his dark eyes burning.

After what was a truly obscene amount of time with loud, throaty groans of pleasure, Albus stopped sucking on Severus' fingers.

"Your turn, Severus," Albus reminded him. "I see that your fingers are still… up…"

Severus took a long swallow of the firewhisky and then unsteadily leaned toward Albus. He gently bit Albus' neck, and Albus moaned in delight.

"Never Have I Ever wanted to wear your mark rather than the Dark Lords," Severus quietly stated.

He put one finger down, which meant that he had wanted it, and then Albus proceeded to latch onto the boy's cheek. With a loud, sucking noise, Albus then marked Severus as his own.

"That's not large enough," Albus insisted. "I want everyone to know that you're mine."

"Your Severus, I always have been, always will be _**your**_ Severus!" Snape wildly insisted. The Potions Master pulled his black cravat away from his neck, displaying the ugly scars where Nagimi had bit him. "Mark me! Mark me!"

Albus then pulled Severus next to him, and he deliberately bit the boy on his neck.

Severus was gasping in near orgasmic pleasure, and Minerva quickly took a sip of water. She then energetically began fanning herself as it was getting a might hot in the office.

"Roll up your left sleeve, Severus," Albus softly ordered.

"No…" Severus whispered. "I haven't… dared to look… To wear that mark for all eternity?"

"Roll up your sleeve, Severus Tobias Snape," Albus repeated.

"Please… don't make me," whispered Severus. "I can not bear the shame!"

"There is no mark on your left arm, Severus. I was the one that oversaw your painting. Your left arm is free from the Dark Mark…"

"Albus?" Severus whispered. His voice was full of disbelief.

"I would like to place my mark on you, Severus. Those love marks will fade in time… but I would mark you as my own," Albus insisted. "Permanently. All will look upon you and know that you are mine."

Merlin's bloody beard! How drunk were the boys?

"Do it! Do it!" Severus pleaded.

There was a bright light, and Severus gasped loudly. Bloody hell, who would have thought that Severus Snape was a screamer, Minerva wondered.

"Never Have I Ever wanted to mark you as my own, Severus!"

Albus' voice rang through the Head Mistress' Office, and Minerva wondered about the propriety of shushing the boys.

The two of them were soon energetically snogging, and Minerva leaned forward just enough so that she could see that Severus now wore a scarlet and gold Phoenix on his left arm. They almost immediately broke apart and Severus loudly whispered, "How many fingers are left? I _**seem**_ to like this game."

"Never I have Ever wanted to lose track of my fingers more!" Albus crowed.

More drinking and the two men were back to necking. Lots of tongue, from what she could see, and Severus' hands were… oh no.. no… no… Minerva was a bit prim, and her cheeks were quite flushed.

A hand job… in a portrait! How… how… crass!

"Never have I…" Severus ceased talking and he moaned.

Minerva peered, and she saw that Severus' hands were no longer on Albus' crotch, no… they were instead entwined in his own black hair, and Severus' mouth was in the shape of a Large O.

Albus had Severus' shoes off, Snape's black socks had been discarded, and Albus was industriously rubbing and massaging Severus' feet. With one deft hand, he massaged the ball of Severus' feet and Snape let loose a loud moan of pleasure.

"Never have I ever seen such magnificent feet," Albus delightedly announced. "Never have I ever admitted that I have a true fetish for feet."

With an all the enthusiasm of a hawk swooping unto a plump, defensive rabbit, Albus attacked Severus' little piggies.

"This little piggy went to market, this little plump piggy got waylaid by a Big Bad Wolf in a Plum Colored Suit, and that little piggy was licked…" Albus licked the poor defenseless little piggy who quivered and shook in delight.

"Sucked," he whispered before his mouth descended on the poor plump little piggy.

"Fondled…" he continued even as Severus moaned louder.

Obviously Severus was getting turned on by Albus' voice and the various descriptions of what was being done to his little piggy, as Albus decided the Big Bad Wolf in a Plum Colored Suit had decided to caress, tease, taunt, tickle, mouth, nibble, worship, adore and then most assuredly molest the little piggy who couldn't help but squee wee wee wee in his excitement..

Minerva continued to fan herself, deciding that for now, it was best to close her eyes.

There was a sound of breaking glass, as though someone had knocked over all of Severus' Paint By Numbers Potion Making Kit, and she heard the impact as someone jumped on top of Severus' lab table.

"Never have I ever wanted to make love to you," Albus seductively whispered.

Minerva nearly groaned as she wondered whether or not Albus was shamming poor Severus.

"Make love?" whispered Severus. "Me?"

"For hours, my dear boy, for hours. Let me introduce you to a whole new realm of experience."

"But… Minerva… she'll…_**hear**_…"

"She's sleeping," Albus lied. "Let me transfigure your lab table into a nice, comfortable bed. We'll want a four poster bed, so I can restrain you."

"Restraints?" Severus questioned. His voice was eager, yet fearful.

"Not the first few times… but later… I'd like to play This Little Piggy went to the Market, Severus. Your long, lovely toes… and they'll be all mine," Albus purred. "And you won't be able to stop me."

Five hours later, Minerva let loose a sigh of relief when Severus finally fell asleep. She had pretended to be sleeping, but instead, she had been quite awake, listening to the various sounds of portrait sex. It had been hot, erotic as hell, as her body couldn't HELP but react to the soft sounds of pleasure occurring in a large portrait behind her. Once or twice, she had to firmly remind herself that she was _**supposed**_ to be asleep.

Not only was Severus a screamer, but Albus was also. They also shrieked and gasped rather loudly also. Plus there had been that rather embarrassing moment when someone (Albus) had bounced a little too exuberantly, and had broken a bed slat or three.

"It's alright, Minerva, we're decent," Albus calmly assured her.

She stood up, stretched her back, and then turned around.

The two men were lying in a big poster bed, with plum colored restraints that matched the plum pillowcase and bedspread. It was a rather incongruent sight as the bed was smack dab in the middle of a large Potions Laboratory. Severus was lying in Albus' arms, a black nightcap on Severus' head, and Albus was possessively stroking the sleeping man.

"I can assure you that our Severus will be far more pleasant to deal with tomorrow morning," Albus assured her with a saucy wink. "I'll repeat the cure as often as needed!"

She hissed a half hearted response and the bastard laughed. He held out his right hand, and all his fingers were upright.

"Oh, Minerva?" Albus called. "I figured I'd forewarn you. Severus and I had another game of '_Never Have I Ever wanted'_ while you were asleep. Never Have We Ever Wanted a ménage à trois with you."

And the damnable Albus put his index finger down.


End file.
